Live and Let Die

Eveleen looked back at Duane, a frown marring his face. There was so much he wasn't getting. He hadn't offended her by wanting to take things further back in the classroom, she had expected that and to be honest, a large part of her wanted that too, but how he had reacted when she denied him, angry and accusing was what got her mad. Of course he didn't really understand, Eveleen never talked to much about Mary, about their relationship, so he didn't realize how much Eveleen feared becoming her mother. She had been scared, everything had happened so fast and there was such an urgency from Duane, such a speed at what things had been progressing in the classroom that Eveleen felt. . . she felt easy. Duane at the time seemed to want to have sex with her, to touch her for himself, rather than as an effort of exploration and commitment for both of them.

And Eveleen had no interest in sex, she wanted to make love, to move slowly and make promises and put as much distance between what her and her boyfriend did and what happened behind Mary's closed door as she could. She didn't care so much for physical gratification as she did about about being close to Duane. She wanted to connect to him on another level, to convey what she felt for him emotionally, physically was powerful and for him alone, but there was no way a clumsy shag in a classroom, worrying the whole time if they were going to get caught, or what position would be easiest was going to allow that.

Eveleen wasn't a needy person in most things but in this she needed to be. She needed to feel safe and comfortable and not rushed. It would take a long time just to get her clothes off, the self conscious voice in her head told her that much, and even longer to let Duane inside her. She was scared, as most girls are for there first time, but unlike most girls she worried less about pain and more about the nagging voice at the back of her head listing all the things she secretly worried about; Is this what Mary would do, is our relationship going to become based solely around sex now, is Duane just being nice, how does he really feel about my body? There was no way she could stop her anxiety but time and comfort and familiarity were the only things that could help it.

"Duane," Eveleen began, pulling away slightly but at the same time, twisting over their hands so now she was holding his in her lap. "It's more complicated than that. I have a lot of insecurities about my body, about you, or anyone really seeing me naked, but more so about who I am. I understand that making love to someone I care about is not going to make me my mother, but at the same time it's a fear that won't go away. My entire my life, my goal has been to not be anything like Mary. To be educated and understanding and responsible and present, just really the opposite of her. And I think, for the most part I am, but my mother she . . . everything about her is sex-oriented. She dresses provocatively, she has a different man over here every weekend, she is sex. So I have this stigma attached to sex, and even though I want to be with you, it's not that simple."

"I don't know if it will be easy or not, it's difficult to explain." Said Eveleen, dark eyes boring into the hazel pools across from her, hoping he could make sense of what she knew didn't entirely fit together, "But I need to be comfortable if we were to decide we want to commit like that. I'd need to be at ease, not worrying about if we're going to get caught. I need time, I need you to be okay with me backing out, because last time you weren't. I need you to understand this is so much more than physical to me, Duane. I don't want to have sex, I want to make love and in doing so be closer to you emotionally." 

Eveleen shook her head again and sighed at how stupid he sounded. She was so needy, and a as a girl who considered herself independent and from a young age relied solely on the strength of herself, it was embarrassing, this dependence.

"Don't think that I don't want you to touch me or to be with you physically, because thats not it. I want to," A bitter smile cracked her lips, "A lot. It's just so much time will go into it and I require so much, you shouldn't have to deal with that. You shouldn't have to help me this much, but this is just . . . this is just me I suppose. Needy and selfish and paranoid."

"I was never mad at you for wanting me Duane, I was mad about how you reacted when I told you no, but I realize now, it was partially my fault." Eveleen looked down at their hands, guilt coloring her cheeks, "I  . . . I never told you or prepared you for the struggle I faced about being intimate with someone. I should have, I know, but I didn't and I'm sorry." 

With shy, yet familiar motions, she intertwined their fingers and her eyes found Duane's again. Her already red cheeks fell darker as she felt want coil tightly inside of her. Eveleen wanted nothing more than to bury her face in his shoulder and embrace him. She missed him. It had only been two weeks, but, God, how she missed him. Duane was all that she knew and loved, he was all she wanted and was familiar to, but she couldn't have him. At least not right now, or perhaps ever again. It was his choice of whether or not he wanted to pursue this relationship knowing how much work had to go into just getting in her pants, but whatever he chose to do, Eveleen would either end up guilty or heartbroken.